Nine tries. This is number 10. That’s how many times I’ve sat down to write this. I’m in a pissy mood and I realize it comes from being in pain. I want to do things differently, but I’m in the cycle. So here’s what’s coming out of that: an analysis of pain. Pain can make us selfish, or at least self-absorbed. Let it be known that pain can also make us more compassionate and empathetic toward others, but often, in the pain cycle, we are quite simply, too consumed with the desire to rid ourselves of pain.

I’ve known physical pain in different ways in my relatively short life. Recently I’ve experienced it so regularly that I sense that my status quo is operating from my lesser self. I seem to be, more often than not, in a vague kind of survival mode.

I say that pain can make you selfish because when we experience constant pain – whether acute or low-lying – it wears on our internal resources. Resilience is diminished, and it feels much like we are swimming against the river’s flow. Some days, to function on the most fundamental and basic level – feed myself and my family, take care of my children, teach class, keep the home running – takes all I have. This is usually accompanied by a good dose of guilt for under-performing. There’s where I want to be in my head, and then there’s the reality of what my body seems willing to do today. The battle that ensues leaves me both unrested, and generally frustrated, because I’m not productive and I’m not feeling better.

In an attempt to break this cycle I’m taking some time off. Cue guilty internal dialogue: “I should be stronger and more capable than this”. But realistically, if my well feels empty, what do I have to give? This is an experiment to see if I can practice what I teach in regard to self-care. If I can overcome my anxiety about not producing, earning, doing, I may just come out of this feeling more refreshed and ready to go.

To anyone else out there in pain, I’m with you. Perhaps these are some words you and I both need to hear: Take good care of yourself.  Be kind and gentle to you.