Right now I’m trying to identify patterns of behavior that are deep-seated and come out unconsciously when life is full on.

One of my patterns goes like this:

1. Take on a lot.
2. Add something else.
3. Feel guilty that I’m not doing enough so when someone asks me to do something, saying yes to yet another thing.
4.Try to do it all myself.
5. Get frustrated with myself for not being on top of everything.
6.Get mad at others for living their lives oblivious to the stress I’m feeling (and have created in my own life).
7.Don’t speak of my frustrations but instead passively aggressively act them out.

I’m trying to do things differently. I am trying to identify the guilty feeling and sit with it when someone asks for something from me and I feel torn about taking it on. Since right now I haven’t figured out how not to add more to my own plate, the next option is to learn how to delegate. Not just to delegate and then oversee and micromanage, but to learn to ask someone to do something, and then trust that it will be done. This means crossing it off my list, and taking it off my plate as soon as they say they’ve got it. (Normally if I ask someone to do something, I wait till it is actually done, before I release myself from it, so this is harder than it sounds. At least for me.)
In addition to that, I need to practice voicing my stress and frustrations with people rather than letting it come out at them. This means I am working on speaking of my feelings without blame. It also means taking ownership of the times when I haven’t had mastery over myself, and it means being willing to be vulnerable and perhaps a little small.

Finally, I am trying to remind myself in these more hectic times, that life is happening now. Life doesn’t happen when I’ve finished a project, or completed some task. And since I will (it seems perpetually) add more to plate and continue to do things, it seems wise to practice living in the moment with more joy for what is, and less worry for what isn’t being done. It’s a tall order, but we only get this one life here, so it would be a good one to figure out sooner rather than later!